For a humor site that caters mainly to hipsters and English majors, a lot of the sports stuff is right on the money. Enjoy! http://www.theonion.com/articles/onion-sports-2010-nfl-teambyteam-guide,18023/?slide=3 Here's an example: New England Patriots * Strength: Bill Belichick has avoided stealing any wives recently, so he should be focused on the 2010 season; people are sure to tout the Patriots' experience and maturity as opposed to flat-out calling them old * Weakness: Considering the talent of this year's rookie class, it's a shame that Belichick will once more work one of them until he dies * Intangibles: Can't discount the possibility of another horrific injury to quarterback Tom Brady; oh, please, Lord, let there be another horrific injury to Tom Brady * Biggest Question: This may be the year New England finally falls out of contention, but we know full well these fucks will pull a 12-4 season out of their ass somehow
Most of that was actually really good. They're usually pretty good with their NFL jokes, I go to the site for the sports bits alone.
Strength: With a new big-name free agent and a talented young quarterback, Miami has the potential to disappoint like never before loooool
Player To Watch: Signing free agent receiver Anquan Boldin from Arizona was a good move; however, at $3 trillion a year, the Ravens may have overspent bahahaha
Weakness: Quarterback controversy between Luke McCown and David Garrard has coaches wondering if they should even have a quarterback at all
Biggest Question: The Titans secondary must face Tony Romo, Donovan McNabb, and both Mannings this year; will they be able to keep themselves from attempting to get their autographs during games? hashshahah
Player To Watch: Pro Bowl quarterback David Garrard Biggest Question: How totally weird was it that three different AFC quarterbacks had to get injured so David Garrard could make the Pro Bowl?
Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games gkghvkhv khlol
Indianapolis Colts Strength: Peyton Manning Weakness: Standout back Joseph Addai, dangerous receiver Reggie Wayne, and brilliant defensive end Dwight Freeney are not Peyton Manning Player To Watch: Safety Bob Sanders until he gets injured in week four, then Peyton Manning Biggest Question: Why is this consistently excellent team so unbelievably boring to watch?
Cleveland Browns Strength: N/A Weakness: Okay, where to begin? Let's see, Jake Delhomme is their starting quarterback. Bobby Engram, their 37-year-old starting wide receiver, caught 5 passes last year. Running back Jamal Lewis was cut in the off-season. Man, this is fun and easy! What else? Okay! They're in a constant state of rebuilding and have no team identity, the future of the franchise is Colt McCoy, and their biggest asset is team president and non-football-player Mike Holmgren Strength: Oh, just thought of one: dog faces Player to Watch: To see Colt McCoy become a starter too early, get extremely flustered, and have a terrible rookie season could be quite delightful * Biggest Question: How soon will fans bust out the paper bags? Player To Watch: Tackle Russell Okung is injured and may miss the season opener, so watching him will spare you from seeing the Seahawks play
Strength: After giving up 50 sacks in 2009, Green Bay's offensive line appears to have forgiven Aaron Rodgers for whatever he did mjnbljhgkjh
The Browns one was great. I like Seattle: Seattle Seahawks * Strength: Reports from coach's office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius * Weakness: Team is in their 10th year of humoring quarterback and Make-A-Wish cancer patient Matt Hasselbeck * Player To Watch: Tackle Russell Okung is injured and may miss the season opener, so watching him will spare you from seeing the Seahawks play * Intangibles: Billionaire owner Paul Allen is concentrating less on his team and more on hollowing out the earth so he can live inside it with the dinosaurs there
My Written Com teacher asked who heard of The Onion in my class and I was the sole person that knew it. I thought it was more popular than that.
Oakland Raiders * Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air * Weakness: As a team, every single player on this roster fucking sucks
Most of my favorite ones were posted already but these were pretty good too. This whole article was great but it seemed like this guy really likes the Ravens as they are the only team that he didn't really shit on. 49ERS Player To Watch: Veteran Brian Westbrook is always a threat to explode into a cloud of ligaments and bone RAMS Biggest Question: What sick fuck thought it would be a good idea for the Rams to face the defending Super Bowl champion Saints on the road Dec. 12? LIONS Weakness: Despite the prayers of fans, players, and coaches, it doesn't seem plausible that the Ford Field stadium will spontaneously collapse TITANS Weakness: Jeff Fisher took a big chance by signing three kick returners with phobias of things falling toward them from great heights COLTS Player To Watch: Safety Bob Sanders until he gets injured in week 4, then Peyton Manning
