The Brady Quinn Scenarios

http://donkeycarnival.blogspot.com/2007/04/brady-quinn-bust-parade.html

1. Oakland - Quinn wins the starting job right out of camp over Andrew Walter, who is to afraid to get back under center and insists that he is more valuable to the team as a holder, and Jeff George, who just "happened" to be hanging around training camp and got a tryout. Quinn is benched by the 6th game after Raider Nation turns on him after discovering his pretty boy Interview Magazine shoot. The situation gets worse when Quinn goes to the players lot to find his gold Volkswagen Jetta impaled with shoulder pad spikes. Quinn immediately urinates himself while breaking into tears.

2. Detroit - Draft Day starts out strangely for Quinn as all of the attention from his selection shifts over to Matt Millen, who committed suicide in the war room after realizing that he failed to draft a WR with the pick. By midseason Mike Martz has tired of all of the hair product Quinn uses and the overly evangelistic tendencies of John Kitna and benches them both, preferring to go with a strapping 22 year old bag boy from the local Kroger. The Lions win the Super Bowl with Kroger Boy winning MVP, despite never playing football before his first Lions game.

3. Cleveland - Quinn is ecstatic at his selection by his favorite team growing up. By game twelve, however, the Dawg Pound has put him through a ridiculous roller coaster ride by anointing him a savior (even making a Brady Quinn BBQ sauce) and then booing him while he is at the children's cancer ward at the hospital. Quinn develops a bipolar disorder as a result and the lithium prescription severely impairs his ability to memorize the playbook. Washed up and ready to give up football, he decides to marry a Playmate and live in Wisconsin.

4. Tampa Bay - Gruden shocks the football world by adding his 5th QB to the team. Gruden insists that each QB will have a specific role to contribute to the success of the team. In a misguided effort to show the coach how much he wants the starting job, Quinn attempts to get to the office before Gruden and leave after he does. After three days of this Quinn is injured in a car crash when he falls asleep at the wheel driving home for his nightly 4:05AM to 5:25AM rest.

5. Arizona - Much to the surprise of Matt Leinart, Quinn is selected. Leinart rebels against the team's Paris Hilton ban and misses game 3 with a raging case of herpes and gonoryphilis, opening a spot in the lineup for Quinn. Brady performs pretty well until the last game of the season in which the Cards must win to make the playoffs. Quinn throws 9 first half INTs to put them down by 54 points. However he leads them back to within a FG at the end of the game, earning praise throughout the media as having tremendous poise in the clutch and comeback abilities.

9. Miami - Quinn opens camp as the starting QB given the lack of competition after Daunte Culpepper is put down and sold to Elmer's for $2.00/lb. Things fall apart in mid-September when a unusually late heat wave (no doubt brought on by Global Warming) results in a particularly vicious sunburn that causes Quinn to miss 9 games and lose the respect of his teammates.

12. Buffalo - Quinn immediately requests to be traded due to the lack of a social life in Buffalo. After all there are no Bananna Republics, Starbucks, male salons, Versaces, or laser hair removal clinics in the city. What is a single guy supposed to do for fun in this town?

20. NY Giants - Eli Manning and Brady Quinn become fast friends, even sleeping over each other houses on a nightly basis in the Jeter-ARod tradition. Things get a little bit strange when the two become more than just friends, eventually coming clean with their gay love affair. Tiki Barber supports their relationship in the media, saying that at least it is not a gay incestuous relationship like his and Ronde's.

24. New England - Tom Brady silently sits in anger in his Manhattan apartment while Gisele and other beauties massage his feet, pondering why the Patriots would short him two years in a row. Last year with the WR that he really needed to put the team over the hump. And this year by drafting a wanna be model like Brady Quinn that can't even hold a goat to Tom Brady. What is Quinn supposed to do? Wait around for 27 years until Tom Brady finally decides to hang it up as a quarterback and become the President of the United States? Sounds plausible to me too.


25. NY Jets - Chad Pennington remains starting QB until Jets lose a game against the Bills in which Chad's last second Hail Mary pass travels only 13 yards. Quinn takes over and is immediately booed after his first snap and after his first victory. The booing only subsided in October for a little bit as A-Rod's struggles at the plate draw attention away from Quinn's success. The boo-birds are back after the Yanks are eliminated and stick around until the season ends in the AFC semifinals.

28. New England - A massive uproar results in the Commissioner's office when the Patriots refuse to select anyone but Brady Quinn, even when they've already selected him with the 24th pick. A gunslinger style showdown ensues between Belicheck and Goodall. A compromise is finally reached when Quinn is allowed to wear two different uniform numbers during the game to give the illusion that there are two of him available to play. Other teams cannot tell that there is only one Brady Quinn from the Patriots game tape. The Patriots win the Super Bowl.