Jets Donts

Well, the Jets are 5-1 heading into the bye week. Things are looking good right now but we know, being long suffering Jets fans, that good can turn sour very quickly. So, what needs to happen for the Jets to win the Super Bowl this year or next? I can’t really tell you what needs to happen except to win your games. But, I CAN tell you what CAN’T happen for the Jets to win the Super Bowl either this year, or next year. The following are 80 DON’TS for the Jets and their fans:

1. Don’t take pictures of your tally-whacker and sending them to female team employees.

2. Don’t hold out of training camp for crazy money and then injuring your hamstring. Cough, cough Darrelle Revis.

3. Don’t stay out to 5:00 am with teammates and then getting a DWI. Cough, cough Braylon.

4. Don’t write a book called “Throw Me The Damn Ball.”

5. Don’t having the owner utter the words, “Just Win Now.” That didn’t seem to work out too well winning 4 games in 2 years after that famous line.

6. Don’t have the coach say, “You Play To Win The Game.”

7. Don’t get suspended for substance abuse causing you to miss 4 games.

8. Don’t eat hotdogs on the sideline no matter how hungry you are ala Mark Sanchez.

9. Don’t give the finger to fans of the opposing team. Give them a finger from each hand.

10. Don’t have the game clock managed by a guy named Dick Curl.

11. Don’t write a post-game speech before the media even asks questions.

12. Don’t blow out your achillies ala Vinny and the Jets.

13. Don’t delete episodes of “Hard Knocks” from your DVR; rewatch them during the bye week.

14. Don’t continue hocking PSLs to the fans during the season.

15. Don’t lose anymore home games. Christen the new stadium with two home playoff games.

16. Don’t hate Fireman Ed. J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets !

17. Don’t let Cromartie worry about child support for his zillion kids.

18. Don’t think L.T. just stands for Lawrence Taylor anymore in New York. It’s now Ladaniian Tomlinson.

19. Don’t worry about Tom Brady hating the Jets. Hate the Patriots right back.

20. Don’t worry about putting just one receiver on Revis Island. Put the other wideout on Cromartie Island.

21. Don’t worry about being the “Sanchise.” Just worry about getting better each week.

22. Don’t care that Belechick quit as HC of the NYJ. Just go out and order a Belechicken dinner.

23. Don’t pay attention to Joe Namath’s Tweets. If you play well, the Tweets will be nicer.

24. Don’t be the iconic figure of the franchise and get hammered on the sideline and try to kiss a NFL Reporter ala Suzy Kobler.

25. Don’t have Rex Ryan kiss Tom Brady’s rings.

26. Don’t worry that David Harris doesn’t have a contract extension. He’s playing for a big one this year.

27. Don’t worry that we didn’t sign Faneca. We secured D’Brick and Mangold for a long, long, long time.

28. Don’t worry how many times Rex drops an F-bomb. Who F**King cares.

29. Don’t worry who will be next to make the Ring of Honor. Just win the Super Bowl and there will be a ton of you up there.

30. Don’t worry that one of the most hated Dolphins is a Jet (Jason Taylor). He’s playing great like another hated Dolphin converted to green ala Bryan Cox.

31. Don’t worry about Peyton Manning for the playoffs. That’s why we brought in Cromartie and Pool, as well as drafting Wilson, to go along with Revis.

32. Don’t care about not making it back to the Super Bowl in 40+ years. When we get there, it will be that much sweeter.

33. Don’t think about the old Giants Stadium. Just stare happily at the new parking lot that Jimmy Hoffa is buried under.

34. Don’t keep on bringing up that we should have kept Thomas Jones. Ladanian is playing great. Thomas who?

35. Don’t just focus on Ground n’ Pound. Just move the ball. Get first downs. And score!

36. Don’t need to color code Sanchez’ play calling anymore!

37. Don’t know if Jets Big Daddy (Section 122 of the old stadium) is alive anymore but hope he’s seeing this young season.

38. Don’t pose for any more GQ spreads. Cough, couch Mr. Sanchez.

39. Don’t remember the last few Jets tight ends that couldn’t catch: Jolley, Becht, Brady. We finally have one that does – Keller.

40. Don’t just think how great the Sack Exchange years were. This current defense is just as good, if not better.

41. Don’t continue to think about past Jets heartbreak (we’ve all been there.) This is NOT those “Same Ole Jets.”

42. Don’t hate Eric Mangini. He made a stupid trade for his team which allowed us to draft our much needed franchise QB.

43. Don’t think about the Jets having blown 10 or more point leads the last two AFC Championship Game appearances. Third time will be a charm.

44. Don’t even bring up the fact that we were 1 pick short of drafting Brett Favre and settled on Browning Nagle. That was then.

45. Don’t ever hand out Shrek ears again to fans entering the stadium. I know that was a while ago but that was dumb.

46. Don’t mess with The Terminator (John Connor).

47. Don’t laugh when you hear the name “Woody Johnson.” Yes…I’m VERY immature.

48. Don’t mock the Jets Flight Crew! They are so talented in what they do.

49. Don’t date Bridgette Neilsen.

50. Don’t rough the QB deep in their own end on 3rd and 10.

51. Don’t bring guns in the trunk of your car to the stadium ala Damien Robinson

52. Don’t smoke pot during the season and if you do, don’t get caught…cough, cough Shawn Ellis.

53. Don’t be using Twitter on the sidelines.

54. Don’t wear those ugly Blue & Yellow Titans uniforms anymore. We are GANG GREEN. NOT BIG BLUE !

55. Don’t EVER watch the movie “Heidi.”

56. Don’t “Guarantee” anything. That only works once.

57. Don’t forget Dennis Byrd, a true inspiration forever. Rise & Walk !

58. Don’t play passive but be weary of potential concussions ending your career early ala Wayne Chrebet and Al Toon.

59. Don’t fall for a fake spike play. Grrrrr to Mr. Marino.

60. Don’t worry about picking the groceries. Our grocery cart is currently stocked.

61. Don’t think about the Mud Bowl or the Tuna Bowl; focus on the Super Bowl.

62. Don’t pass the ball and stop the clock when the other team is out of timeouts before the two-minute warning unless it’s a second or two before half-time again.

63. Don’t say J.E.T.S. stands for Just End The Season. It now stands for J.E.T.S. – Just Expect The Superbowl !

64. Don’t sexually harass female international reporters again.

65. Don’t, if you play the Steelers in Pittsburgh in the playoffs, attempt a FG too far out where the percentages are not in your favor.

66. Don’t be like Eric Barton and make a bonehead play at a crucial moment in a huge game!

67. Don’t bring in a soccer player to try and play football ala Tony Meola.

68. Don’t worry if you fail to make it in the endzone on 4th and 1 with a QB sneak on the last play of the game; celebrate anyway to maybe get the TD call. (See Phantom TD)

69. Don’t worry if you make a poor shovel pass resulting in a turnover. It will never amount to the infamous Bubby Brister play.

70. Don’t let it bother you that the Jets don’t currently have a cereal in their name. Chrebet Crunch was never that yummy anyway but much better than Flutie Flakes.

71. Don’t believe the hype of a Sophmore QB jinx.

72. Don’t laugh at Rex Ryan’s svelte figure since his lap-band surgery.

73. Don’t let Paul McGuire, wherever he may be, say “the Jets won’t win another game this year.” Don’t want that to happen again.

74. Don’t proclaim 51-45 and the Monday Night Miracle as the best Jets home games. Go out and HOST the AFC Championship and WIN which would then be the “Best Game.”

75. Don’t fumble away sure wins like Blair Thomas did.

76. Don’t have remote control airplanes as the half-time show. (Remember the “Flying Lawnmower Game”)

77. Don’t believe that Flash Gordon was really a quarterback of the New York Jets despite what he says.

78. Don’t relax too much during a bye week unless trying to heal an injury.

79. Don’t think about “What Ifs”, think about “What can be” ! Example: What if we drafted Marino or was able to draft Favre? What if Parcells coached another year?

80. Don’t let a game’s outcome be dependent on a “gift.” We already got our “gift” this year in Denver.

Kevin “Bird” Harrison
West Orange, NJ