AAFL held draft on Saturday

Excuse me if I posted this in the wrong place.

This is the first crapfest league to launch this year
http://www.allamericanfootballleague.com/
http://www.snarkastic.com/archives/001453.html

We are positively atwitter with the advent of the AAFL and its promise of spring and summer football at Neyland. The opportunity for college athletes with four-year degrees to remain at their home stadiums and earn a pretty sweet living, the opportunity to extend our hateration of Florida/Bama/Michigan...did we mention YEAR-ROUND FOOTBALL? Oh, and they held the draft yesterday and didn't tell anyone, and Livia snuck in. Her notes follow:

10:30 I have breached the inner core of the AAFL's strict security measures, by which I mean I have talked my way past two college-age kids who clearly want to hang themselves with their decorative Team Tennessee lanyards. Sensing weakness, I flirt shamelessly as I coolly inform them I'm here to pick up my VIP Press Pass. When they can't find it, they apologize profusely for their error, assuring me that they have had problems getting various drafts of this list. I raise my eyebrow, lower my shoulder, and gaze at them expectantly. On the spot, he prints me off a VIP Press Pass and ushers me in. Inside, I writhe with smug victory.

The Knoxville downtown Marriott is decorated like a cross between the NFL draft and a low-budget white trash bat mitzvah. There are white linens covering the tables and white candles burning...surrounded by orange and white pompoms and AAFL beer cozies. People are wearing anything from the standard business suit appropriate to such an event to zebra print evening gowns. There is a small selection of UT's pep band and spirit squad here. I was not aware they were available for parties. If possible, I would like to reserve them for the processional at my wedding. I am being afforded with a high level of respect, since I am wearing a VIP press pass, which I am abusing to the utmost extent.

The press packet I have been kindly provided with informs me of exactly what the hell I am here to see. Considering that Knoxville is one of the main bases of operations for this new professional league, I find it suspicious that I only heard about this draft this morning.

Anyway, I am immediately struck by the realization that the AAFL itself has no idea what it is trying to be. In the same sentence, they refer to it as "a spring season college-style professional football league". Wait...so is this like NFL Junior, or NCAA Part Deux? "AAFL teams are comprised of many star players fans loved to watch in national college football hotbeds...where rivalries are fierce and competitive passions run high". I am so confused.

Apparently, this league will only draft and sign players who have earned a four year degree. This makes sense, especially considering that most NCAA football players who DON'T earn a four year degree failed to do so because they left early for the NFL. AAFL Football: Just like the NFL, except everyone knows how to read above an eighth grade level, and also, it's just like college, except with no fans and no excitement.

There are six AAFL Teams: Tennessee, Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Michigan, and Texas. Sadly, they do not have mascots or nicknames. This is unacceptable, so I have provided some:

* The Tennessee Fighting Saved By The Bell The New Class
* The Alabama Krimson Klownz
* The Arkansas Vine-Ripe Pink Tomatoes
* The Gainesville Purple Cobras
* The Michigan Hot, Hot, Hots
* The Texas Tim Riggins Sexy Man Sweats

11:00 Making this whole spectacle all the more ridiculous is the fact that each team is drafting from a separate location, and we're all joined up via satellite for the pageantry and drama of these picks. Lucky us. In order to be eligible for the draft, each player must have verification of a college degree on file with the office, and have attended a combine, workout, or tryout. That's it. Nowhere in here does it state that at some point, you need to have had some experience actually playing football at any level.

11:27 Wow...we've just reached ludicrous speed. Apparently, before the draft even starts, each team gets to designate up to forty "protected players" from their region. I'm just going to transcribe verbatim what the press packet says about this shit.

"Each team has a list of protected players who played college football in the team's home state or in one of that team's protected states. These players will be introduced to the public during the draft. Depending on the number of protected players, that number of draft picks in the middle rounds will be filled by those protected players. (For example, if Team Alabama protected forty players, the first five draft selections would be from the unprotected draft pool, as will the last five selections. Draft selections 6-45 would be filled with players that had been protected.)"

So, if I am understanding this shit correctly, it amounts to a regional Dibs pool. Team Alabama automatically gets dibs on players from Alabama, Georgia, and Mississippi; Arkansas controls itself, Louisiana, and Oklahoma); Florida and Texas just have themselves to rely on; Michigan gets itself, Illinois, and Indiana; and Tennessee controls itself, Kentucky, and South Carolina. Oh, also, protected players can't be traded. Ever.

I can't bring myself to type the mind-numbing minutiae of each of these insane draft rules, so let me just say that each team gets 4 minutes per selection. There's also going to be a supplemental draft in two weeks for all the players who got waived or released from their NFL teams, just to make sure that everyone has the same opportunity to sink into mediocrity. Mark your calendar, Chad!!! [weeping]

The benefit of such a small league is that everyone gets to play every team home and away. Because, you know, the crowds are gonna be CLAMORING for this shit.

(The AAFL is easy to make fun of, but who am I kidding? After the Super Bowl next week, I'm going to sink into a fugue state lasting at least until the NFL draft, after which I will trundle through black depression until the preseason starts. I can't handle life without football. Now, thanks to the AAFL, I won't have to. I can pretend to mock them all I want, but am I going to go to Neyland to see Tee Martin square off against Clint Stoerner again? You bet your fumbling, career-ending ass I am.)

11:46 So I'm looking at the board of directors for this league, and in addition to all the usual suspects (University chancellors, former NCAA presidents), there are several names and occupations that stand out. Like Jack Lengyel, of Marshall fame, recovering from having been played by Matthew McConaughey. Like Gary Roberts, who apparently is a former Dean of Law and specializes in sports law. And finally, Marcus Katz, FORMER STUDENT LOAN EXECUTIVE. Wow, AAFL. Wow.

12:10 Arkansas has the first pick, and use it to select Zarah Yisrael, an OL from Troy State. The feel in here right now is electric, if by electric, you mean 90 people turning to ask each other "Who?"

12:23 Team Tennessee introduces their protected players. My heart breaks a little when I see Tee Martin. Tee Martin: National Championship Quarterback, Peyton's Successor, One Of Tennessee's Greatest Players...reduced to this. He is not smiling. I don't blame him. Former Vols on this list include Jason Mitchell, a linebacker, and James Wilhoit, beloved kicker. I would be remiss if I did not tell you that Rod Smart, aka "He Hate Me" of Western Kentucky and the XFL is also on our protected list.

So even though they've just told us all that we have Tee Martin, Tennessee uses its first pick TO TAKE A FUCKING QUARTERBACK. Way to show some confidence in your man, Andy Kelly.

12:32 Wondering who else is being protected? Get ready to either weep in commiseration for the mighty that have fallen or laugh diabolically at those who have enraged you over the years. Florida is protecting Chris Leak (it took less than 2 years for him to go from NCAA Champion QB to AAFL protected player) and Peter Warrick (OH, PETER). Arkansas is protecting Clint Stoerner, he of the famour Stoerner Fumble. With a straight face, a reporter just said that Arkansas "beat" Tennessee in 1997, and Clint looked so unhappy and uncomfortable. Our National Championship Trophy begs to differ.

1:08 In an effort to spice things up and make us care, they are getting "celebrities" to announce the pick. When it's Tennessee's turn, DAVID FUCKING KEITH gets up there and smarms his way through the announcement. For those of you lucky enough to be unfamiliar with this man, he is a local actor who has appeared in such cinematic tour de forces as that Hilary Duff movie where she goes to music school. He walks around town like he's Daniel Day-Lewis. He is not. [He also called me (or my breasts; it was tough to tell) "sweetheart" for the duration of every show we worked together, and we know how I feel about that. Also, I'm pretty sure he's had a botched eye lift. --H.] One of our state Senators is actually here, but they can't peel David Keith off the podium, so he just stands around awkwardly.Then Florida tops this awkwardness by making protected pick Chris Leak get up on stage and announce their pick, a Stanford running back that will presumably outshine Leak for the next four years.

1:29 OH MY GOD, THERE IS AN OPEN BAR. THERE IS AN OPEN BAR. This day just turned around. I see beer, hard liquor, mixed drinks...and there's food too, some kind of traveling hibachi bar. Excellent.

1:40 The overall atmosphere is sad, desolate, and full of barely repressed fury simmering under the surface, with a healthy amount of flop sweat. From now on, I'm referring to this place as the Brady Quinn NFL Draft Experience.

Notable Ex-Jets:
Earthwind Moreland
Kliff Kingsbury
Try to find others

Other Notables:
Chris Leak
Eric Crouch
Peter Warrick