Zoom Meeting Etiquette – A Definitive List (in progress)

Looking for some help with this. I’m starting this in the middle of Zoom meeting right now with my camera and mic off, only half-listening. This one was a waste of time. Which bothered me, and then got me to thinking that maybe someone has created a Zoom etiquette code that could have helped me avoid this. Or at least keep it from eating up my morning. Google showed me a bunch – none of them perfect. Most of them seem aimed at students. And no doubt ignored by them. There’s definitely a need, and enough brain activity on this board to pull something together.

Working from one that I thought was the least bad. From this LINK, if you care. Those suggested rules are bold. My comments at the bullets and a better working version in the thread below, when I get to it. Please feel free to add or edit. Semi-serious business, this.

1. Don’t let your guests wait for you

• This implies it’s a rule directed at the host, which misses the bigger point. Of course the host shouldn’t make people wait. The bigger problem is everyone ELSE who arrives late and then apologizes on mic, which then prompts the host to recap the last 5-10 minutes of discussion for the entire group. This rule needs work.

2. Introduce yourself and everyone at the start of the meeting

• Not as a general rule. If the email invite has a list, a round of introductions is a waste of time. If introductions are absolutely necessary, the host should do it and everyone else should remain silent. No need for the host to announce each name just so everyone can smile and say “Hi”. Even clunkier if everyone has to guess when they’re up for introductions.

3. Use the camera

• Sure, if you’re an essential participant. I can see disagreement here, but Zoom meetings often get over-invited. If someone is mostly just there to listen and announce at the end, “Sounds good to me,” they shouldn’t need to be on camera for the entire show.

4. Dress appropriately

• Yeah, but pants are optional.

5. Mute the microphone until it’s your turn to speak

• Sure, but more importantly – know when you’re on mute so people don’t have to watch your lips flapping for 30 seconds and then wait for you to repeat what everyone missed because you screwed up. Happens to everyone. Still. . .

6. Notify others when you want to speak

• This one needs a full overhaul and maybe even some kind of creative tech upgrade. I’ve yet to sit in a Zoom meeting where everyone plays by the same rules. Clicking the hand-raise button and then politely waiting to speak is infuriating when everyone else is injecting comments at will. You eventually get recognized, but more often than not it’s after all the freestyle commentary is exhausted. You get penalized for politeness.

7. Avoid multi-tasking

• Screw you. If I’m in a horseshit Zoom meeting, I’m multitasking so I don't have to waste anymore time than needed. Even if I'm screwing around posting an etiquette list on a Jets messageboard. If one of us is going to be wasting my time, I choose me. If you're an essential participant, then yes, no multitasking. Unless you're really good at hiding it, so no one has to hear you ask for something to be repeated. More time wasting.

8. Pause regularly when speaking

• No. Keep up. There might be some value in a rule calling for one beat of silence by you and everyone else when you're done talking, to help avoid cross-talk. Not sure about that part.

9. Set your environment with a Zoom background

• Wrong. Set your background on blur and avoid any staging at all intended to let everyone know you read books and play guitar.

10. Don’t eat while on call

• Not unless you’re camera is permissibly off per Rule 3 above. Surely there's nothing wrong with a little feast on OUR time. I just don't want to see or hear it. Water and non-alcoholic beverages are allowable on camera, as long as they're in cup or mug that doesn’t draw attention and prompt time-wasting comments/questions like, “Hey, dickhead, I didn’t know you went to South Hampton Institute of Technology!”

11. Position your camera to maintain eye contact

• Eye contact is the least of all camera position problems. Set the position and Zoom so your face takes up no more or less than 25% of the average screen view. And angle it so everyone isn’t talking to a nose and forehead.

12. Don’t treat the camera as a mirror

• Whatever. Stupid and unnecessary.

13. Test audio and video settings before the meeting

• Fine, but we’ve been at this for a few years now. Proper setting should just be assumed. Old people get excused with a light scolding.

14. Prepare all materials in advance

• Yeah, fine. Another one that should be a given.

15. Document your Zoom etiquette and distribute it across the organization

• Sure. If you're looking for everyone to make fun of you behind your back because you sent around an etiquette list. Morons.

 

I'm obviously getting dick done today. Open for constructive comments and critique.


General Rules of Etiquette for Video Conferencing

1. Video conferences should be called sparingly and with the utmost consideration about occupying everyone’s day just because you think the tech makes you look way-cooler. Video conferencing should be treated as a convenience in lieu of an in-person conference, not as an alternative to a phone call, email or other mode of communication.

2. Participants should be avoid any time-wasting created by the technology and conduct themselves as if it were an in-person meeting being held at your place of business. Casual comments unrelated to scheduled business (e.g. family pictures on a wall) should be reserved for after the video conference has ended.

3. (open)

Duties of the Host

4. The Host should start the meeting feed 3-5 minutes before the scheduled time without waiting for stragglers, and announce a hard-out time in both the invite and at the start of the meeting. If additional time is needed, participants should be allowed the option to leave at the hard-out time. At the Host’s discretion, the meeting can continue beyond the hard-out time, barring the objections of a majority of participants. In any event, the Host is solely responsible for any post-meeting accommodations or rescheduling after the hard-out time.

5. The Host should include a proposed agenda with the email invite, even if it’s likely to change, and the final version should be on the screen at the beginning of the meeting.

6. If introductions are necessary, the Host should note the participants present and read the list of invitees without calling a roll or asking everyone to say a goddamn hello. If it’s necessary to note an absence, the Host should avoid asking stupid questions like, “Has anyone talked to Dave today?” All responsibility for confirming the attendance of essential participants falls solely on the Host prior to the meeting.

7. If the Host anticipates screen sharing by another participant, the Host should confirm content and setup with that participant prior to the meeting so no time is wasted in the transition.

Duties of All Participants

8. All video fees should be set up and, if necessary, tested to confirm proper lighting and to make sure your stupid squash of a head is centered and occupies no less than 25%, or more than 50% of the screen. Faces should be lit well enough so you don’t look like a Mexican drug smuggler trying to hide your identity in a 60 Minutes interview.

9. Audio should be clear and free of all distracting background noise. Uncontrollable family members should either be sedated with Benadryl or sent to P.F. Changs. Chirping birds or barking neighborhood dogs should be exterminated. Or, just close your friggin windows.

10. Background scenery should be sterile or blurred to avoid any talkers from making stray comments that only waste time. Any participant with background scenery that appears to a majority to be staged or contrived should be shamed publicly and appropriately.

11. The Host and any essential participants should be on-camera and look like they’re paying attention for the entire meeting. If an essential participant needs to throw a wizz, a three minute camera pause is allowable, provided the participant notes the temporary absence with a typed message in the chat box and NOT verbally.

12. All non-essential participants may use their discretion and turn their camera off during any discussion not involving them. However, no more than 40% of the participants should have their camera off at any one time, otherwise the Host will think nobody is taking him or her seriously and may throw a hissy fit and extend the meeting just to fuck with people.

13. All mics should be mute unless a Participant is actively engaged in the discussion. Participants should all me mindful of when they are muted, because we’re not lip readers and don’t want you wasting our time by repeating the idiotic comments you made while your mic was off. Any participant speaking for more than 15-seconds on mute may, in the discretion of the Host, be barred from speaking and required to stay on-camera and attentive for the remainder of the meeting.

14. Everyone should dress appropriately for the type of business being conducted. Pants are optional and bare asses are even encouraged. Molly Hatchett t-shirts may be appropriate depending on the meeting but use your best judgment.

15. Participants should be courteous to others and avoid cross-talk or cutting off another speaker. Provided, however, if someone says something really stupid, talking over them loudly and pretending they don’t exist is acceptable practice.

16. Notifying the Host that you want to speak. (incomplete)

 

If I could invent one thing to improve Zoom calls it would be adding an anonymous kill switch that activates when enough people in the meeting vote to shut someone up.

So, let's say there are ten people on a call. Everyone has a kill switch on their tool bar. One blowhard is wasting everyone's time - or whatever. Doesn't matter. I can hit my kill switch. If I'm the only one hitting my kill switch, nothing happens. But if six people hit their kill switch - all anonymously - the guy's audio feed is disabled and the meeting moves on to someone else. A majority thought their time was being wasted and did something about it. You could have different settings that would shut the guy down only for a limited time or, if he's a repeat offender, expel him from the call entirely. Vote him right off the island.

 

I know. Embarrassing. Like any 36-hour heroin binge - there’s consequences.

Truth be told, I thinking about running down certain players in the offseason all the time.

 

I do that too. Sort of. I have a two screen thing and the camera basically in the middle so if I’m looking at either screen or bouncing back and forth, I’m always in that sweet spot of like 5 degrees off direct eye contact.