for the halftime break http://proxy.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090109 The Cousin Sal Award for "Best practical joke that turned out not be a practical joke" You might remember my writing a joke about Phil Rivers dropping F-bombs last week. Angry e-mails came in from the moment that column posted -- apparently Rivers is a devoutly religious man who takes pride in not swearing. Um, how would I know this again? I'm the same guy who had no idea Larry Fitzgerald's father was a sportswriter until last weekend. I learn things all the time. That's what happens when you follow sports; you can't possibly know everything. Last time I checked, there wasn't a blog that listed every athlete who doesn't swear. (Note: It would be really funny if someone did start that blog but put a swear in the title.) Also, has any QB seemed as though he's swearing up a blue streak more than Rivers? What about that little hissy fit between him and Jay Cutler last season? And if they weren't swearing, how was Rivers trash-talking him? Was he yelling, "Keep it up, mister, I will kick your fanny! I will mess your stuff up, my friend! Go suck a lemon!" OK, so Phil Rivers is intense, but he keeps his trash talk clean. What shocked me was how many Chargers fans were furious -- repeat: furious -- that I had allegedly besmirched Rivers' name by joking that he would hypothetically drop F-bombs during a hypothetical situation in a picks column that isn't exactly the most serious article ever written. Here's a typical e-mail, courtesy of Roger in San Diego: "Have you ever heard Philip Rivers use the F-word? Have you ever met anybody who ever heard Philip Rivers use the F-word? Didn't think so. Your statement that Philip Rivers would be pacing the sidelines yelping out F-bombs is unfair, and quite frankly, nothing less than irresponsible journalism. It's almost as though you feel you have carte blanche to just make things up and put them in print." Irresponsible journalism? Who said I was a journalist? I just advised Joe Buck to become a drunk a few paragraphs ago! The point is, Phil Rivers has taken the "Stay classy, San Diego" slogan to new heights. I am not mentioning this as an apology -- seriously, I would never, ever, ever, ever apologize for something this dumb, and really, part of the problem with this country right now is that anyone with a forum kowtows in situations like this instead of sticking up for free speech and the right to make a f---ing harmless joke from time to time (whoops, I swore) -- but just to pass along that (A) Phil Rivers does not swear, and (B) I would have known this if I didn't slack off with my "players in the NFL playoffs who definitively swear or don't swear" research last weekend. So there you go. And now, much to Phil's inevitable chagrin, I will talk about boobs.
He called me at halftime and I asked why he is not in a game thread he created. He is too busy watching the game upstairs to worry about a game thread he said.
