I'll be leaving early Saturday so thought I would wish a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Joyous Kwanzaa, Happy Hanukka, Joyous Festivus to all, in case I forget later A little holiday music for you
im offended and need a safe space from your multiculturally based holiday wish, but Merrrrrrrrry Christmas to you too boss!
One thing I hate is how politically correct Happy Holidays took over Merry Christmas. And I am not even Christian. Merry Christmas to all Jesus followers, Happy Hanukkah to our Moses followers and Happy Kwanzaa to our African people. F the Happy Holidays B.S
That's why you go with the Happy Hanukawanzamas, it covers almost everyone Last Christmas I went with Joyous Festivus to everyone that said Happy Holidays, confused the hell out of 75% of them
^That's Larry Faulk, to you. I can't understand why people on both side of the religious and irreligious fence get so twisted about stuff. If you're not being forced, coerced, or strong-armed into a religious or non-religious exercise, who cares?! Both sides can be incredibly stupid, petty, and ridiculous. If you want to call it a Christmas tree, be my guest, it's a goddamn Christmas tree, it's not crapping on or screwing up my life. I just think it's funny how people watch that yule log on TV with their Christmas tree lit up without even realizing how incongruous it is because yeah, it really is a Yule Tree and has less than zero to do with Christ. Happy Winter Solstice, everyone! People tend to be more polite near Paganmas, but they're just gonna go back to saying fukk off when it's all over, anyway. Happy Winter Solstice again! Just to bring things back down to earth a little bit, the Holiday season can be really tough and sad for people and it's why the suicide rate is always up. Being jobless, losing a child, becoming homeless. Feed someone, invite someone over who has no-one, play cards with a vet. Well, if they also happen to be a veterinarian, I guess that's OK, too. Oh, and always sweat the small stuff. Screw people who say you shouldn't. Sweating the small stuff is what life is all about, and then when you get hit with the big stuff, you can handle it with aplomb. BTW, I'm going to grace you all with my Father Larry story. It's what legends are made of. I'm on it. EDIT & P.S.: Just to give a small sampling, the man did everything with his eyes closed. Unlike Mr. Magoo, he wasn't near-sighted. Rumor had it that he also drove with his eyes closed, possibly out-Magooing Mr. Magoo.
Hey everyone, didnt you hear? Santa converted to Islam, and you dont want to piss him off now, so i will be doing a Jihad themed Christmas this year. We'll have exploding ornaments on the tree, and we'll put a homosexual looking angel at the top of the tree that we can yank down after enough drinks and stone him to death in the living room. Then its family board game time! Trivial Pursuit maybe? The women's answers will only count for half, and we'll make them sit in a much less comfortable part of the house of course while we stroke our beards and congratulate each other on being frightened little men, yayyyy!!!
OK, folks, buckle your seat-belts. Here comes the Father Larry Christmas Story. And like I always say, all of my stories are true . . . This is going on 28 years ago now. One of my bro-in-laws through marriage (future BIL @ the time), he's married to my old man's oldest sister. He was an occasional closet weed smoker, which was always amusing to me because he has a really strait-laced job. He's one of the funniest people I've ever known, and that's probably the most common thread about everyone in my life that I treasure: humor. It can be gallows, slapstick, doesn't matter, but the quirkier, the better. I'm an absurdist, let's put it that way, and if start laughing and it takes hold, forget it, it's over. I can't stop. That's the precursor. So Christmas Eve rolls around in 1989 and my bro-in-law is high as a kite. I was never really a weed smoker, but weed was never necessary around him, anyway. So yeah, I wasn't high, but we were just being ridiculous as we always are when we're around each other. It comes easy, believe me. The old man's side of the family is hanging out downstairs for drinks and so on, but BIL gets it in his head that the atmosphere isn't gay enough (no, he didn't mean homosexual, but we laughed about political correctness). My bro-in-law is a huge Moody Blues fan (I actually really like them and saw them once long past their prime), and he tells me in my ear, "This clambake is going nowhere. Forget Perry Como, what we need is some REAL Christmas music!" My late father-in-law was a jazz musician (trumpet), and there was an old Peavey down there and a mic that still worked, so he puts on 'Om' from 'In Search of the Lost Chord', and starts doing this fruity medieval dance at the flute parts and of course starts singing to it. One of his kids, who was 5 at the time goes, "I don't like this. Put on Rudolph." "Well, my son, sometimes life just isn't fair!" Now this night is far from over. My bro-in-law insisted on going to Midnight Mass for one reason and one reason only: FATHER LARRY. "Are you in?" "I'm in!" Father Larry was a bit of a family tradition with all of them, and I was gonna get my first taste. Thems that wanted to go, we all managed to pile into three cars. My bro-in-law tells me with this solemn face and a somber voice full of foreboding, "Trust me, you're not gonna believe it. The man never opens his eyes, and somehow gets around through echolocation - and he's not blind. He even types correspondence with his eyes closed - I've seen it." The suspense was killing me. It was a full house, and I couldn't help feeling that the Nativity Scene was only part of the attraction as soon as Father Larry hit the stage. I mean altar. Father Larry was in his early 80s, and was actually a really intelligent man and in reality he wasn't suffering any effects of old age - he just missed his TRUE calling: Performance Art. He starts mumbling a bunch of word salad in a form of Mass that I remotely recognized, made everyone stand, sit, and kneel at all the wrong times like he was fukking with us in a private game of musical chairs. I was in my glory. Hosanna in the Highest, alright. I mean, was he hitting the chalice in all the wrong ways on the side? Fact is, not so. He was just out there. As in WAY out there. I was almost waiting for Dennis Hopper's monologue from 'Apocalypse Now'. Woulda been perfect if you know that speech, but sadly, it didn't happen. Never fear, though. I haven't gotten to the coup de grace yet. He comes off the altar - with his eyes closed so tight that you'd think his face would explode - and everyone is waiting with bated breath about what he's gonna do next. He walks past the Nativity Scene - echolocation for SURE - and starts banging on the wall. "And Jesus, baby Jesus, no . . . Joseph, Joseph, Joseph and Mary went to the inn. They knocked, just like this (bang, bang, bang!), and said, 'Let me in! Let me in! Let me in to the inn'! And the animals talked in the stable!" What? Is this heavy metal? Yeah, he screamed it, with his eyes closed. There's no way I'm making eye contact with my bro-in-law at this point. I tried to force myself to think about cholera, dead puppies, monkey pox, AIDS, a pack of hyenas bleeding out a zebra, anything to prevent it, but it was building and building and building. My bro-in-law whispers, "It's coming." I whisper back, without looking at him, of course, "What's coming? How can he top this?" "The organ. Tell me what it reminds you of." It didn't remind me of it, it WAS it: TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME. I couldn't hold it in anymore. People were bowing their heads in reverence, and I'm listening to TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME. You heard right, TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME. I went all French and waved the white flag. I surrendered. The shrieking began. It was the best unintentional concert I ever went to. Some people in that parish used to get very offended and upset that the only reason people showed up for Mass at all was because Father Larry put on the best show on earth. You never knew what he was gonna say during the Homily with his eyes closed (what else), and it was basically a mish-mash of who knows what that often only had a vague reference to the Bible. The best one was why does the Church spend so much money on wafers when you can get store brand English muffins cheap and then with his eyes closed, "The body of Christ . . ." LMFAO. Anyway, many parishioners thought it was somehow disrespectful that at least half of the people that went to Mass there was for circus freak reasons. And, other people thought HE was disrespectful and wanted him transferred. I get it, I guess; but RCCs are getting shuttered left and right. The truth is, Father Larry could pack them in at 3 in the morning on a Tuesday, and when he died, attendance fell off about 70%. Be careful what you wish for Mother Church. RIP Father Larry.
Sooooo THAT'S why Grandpa Mac was pissed we didnt want to go to midnight mass!! Merry Christmas..... and a generic Happy Holidays for everyone else!!! Enjoy your time with family and friends. Sharing Good Stories with some good booze (and weed in the closet in some cases) is always more fun than getting more "stuff"!
We have 13 of us going on a 8 day cruise out of Port Canaveral, I'll pay for some excursions for the kids, that's my Christmas shopping. 8 days of sipping drinks in the sun, that's my kind of Christmas.
Yep, my brother and I only get my parents "experiences" not stuff (concert tix, restaurants, etc...) need to get em out of the house I actually almost got them a Bahamas cruise from Canaveral (was on carnival website last night)
If they are close to you I would think the cruise would be great for them. Not too far a drive to the port and then don't have to worry about much of anything for 3-8 days dependent upon the cruise. Only thing I would suggest is to check out Norwegian also, Carnival has a younger crowd, meaning more kids. Plus Norwegian usually has a deal where you get to pick one freebie, my freebie is always unlimited drinks.
