[jkgrandchamp]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet:
CAUSE: Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling


SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet:
CAUSE: Improper Bladder Control
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
CAUSE: a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer


SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
CAUSE: You have fallen over backward.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar


SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
CAUSE: You have fallen forward
CORRECTIVE ACTION: See above


SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
CAUSE: a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

SYMPTOM: Floor Blurred
CAUSE: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM: Floor moving
CAUSE: You are being carried out
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark
CAUSE: Bar has closed
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door.
Run!

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
CAUSE: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside


SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles
CAUSE: You are dancing on the table
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Fall on someone cushy-looking

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear
CAUSE: It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Punch him

SYMPTOM: People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
CAUSE: You're in the ladies' room
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)


SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
CAUSE: You have been in a fight
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
CAUSE: You've wandered into the wrong party
CORRECTIVE ACTION: See if they have free beer

SYMPTOM: Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
CAUSE: a. You're in jail
b. You're in the navy
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach


SYMPTOM: You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
CAUSE: You're in a gay bar
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted
CAUSE: The beer is too weak
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song
CAUSE: Beer is just right
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Play air guitar