[DirtySanchez]

Originally Posted by BeastBeach

As I've gotten older his personality has started to grind on me but for the most part I overlook his flaws

Originally Posted by BeastBeach

I'll go a week without hearing from him and then one day he is "up my ass" non-stop.

It's partially guilt on his part, or perhaps the other part is he loses track of time? That seems to be a reoccurring theme.

Originally Posted by BeastBeach

At this point I started to get pissed off because I think you should let somebody call you back. You don't keep calling/leaving voicemails unless it is an emergency.

About 15 minutes later, he shows up at my house and knocks on my door

You do realize, it would be totally possible for him to perceive this as an emergency. He was texting you, you were texting back, you stopped, he called, you didn't pick up. He assumed something was wrong, rather than you were just blowing him off. From your other comments about him, it seems like he has trouble reading social queues and situations which isn't all that uncommon.

If you had dealt with the fact that you didn't want to talk to him rather than being passive aggressive by not answering (I.E., you could have Texted him "This song title game is fun but I have some stuff to do so I may not be able to reply") you could have gotten what you wanted (or at the very least avoiding him coming to your house).

I opened the door, went out and said, "What the fuck is wrong with you?!?" and proceeded to tell him he was acting crazy and he needs to stop acting erratic and just let me get back to him.

He claimed he was worried about me and was checking in on me because I hadn't responded. I told him that was ridiculous.

Truth is, I think he was full of shit. I think he just wanted to talk to me so bad about whatever it was that was on his mind, he didn't care whether it was a good time for me or not. And then once I got pissed he tried to act like he was worried.

You are operating on an assumption that is likely false. Has your mother drilled into your head that your father is that selfish of an individual? To come at it from another perspective, assume he cares about talking to you, but he also cares about your physical well being but has trouble reading people's social queues.

Coming from the point of view that he's flawed (as we all are) in the social department, but he also cares about you, is it easy to see how he could think something was wrong, and the right solution was to come check on you?

Also the anger you mention when you open the door ("WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU"?) sounds like how your mother acted towards you in a later reply. You should think about not letting your anger get the better of you in those situations. That can be very hard to do, but it will make your life (and personal relationships) much easier in the long run. When two flawed people, for example someone with anger issues and another person who is socially inept get into an argument it can compound things and make minor situations into major ones.

…continued in next reply…

[DirtySanchez]

Originally Posted by BeastBeach

I know in hindsight I should have just texted him. On the other hand, he is TERRIBLE at picking up on hints.

You may have to be blunt, but you can be blunt without being rude, like the example I used above. Many times people who are "talkers" just can't pick up on non-verbal reactions, and they think you're eating up the conversation when you aren't. You often have to be blunt (ie, "I've got something to do!") but not rude, which can be tricky. I have family and friends who fall into this category.

Like I guess my thing is that in trying to be nice I don't always tell him the real 100% truth.

You don't have to tell him the 100% truth, you just can't totally ignore him either.

The difference is that I really want to watch the game, and he wants to "watch the game". Meaning he wants to gab nonstop about everything but football.

This drives me nuts, as watching football games are active events for me. I'm rewinding to see stuff away from the ball, analyzing whats going on, etc. So I feel your pain. To him, watching the game is simply a social situation doing something he thinks you both enjoy. Your best bet is to just avoid it, or DVR the game if you have to.

So it was very irritating for him to want to watch the game with me like the whole thing never happened.

Maybe he was going to try to STFU?

Originally Posted by BeastBeach

Like I said in hindsight I should have texted him. I didn't wanna call him because he rambles and when I try to get off the phone with him he literally ignores me and keeps talking.

What does he do for a living? Does he seriously have a problem? Maybe you should look into it, and find strategies for dealing with him.

I question whether his concern was genuine.

Don't do that. It's very likely his concern is genuine, give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. From what you describe it seems more likely that he has trouble dealing with other people more than he's some kind of super selfish monster. Just about every parent has concern for their children, it's just that parents are human too and they don't always express that concerned correctly.

Originally Posted by BeastBeach

On a beach trip this past summer my mother actually slammed my hand in a door acting like a complete psycho.

Something to consider, how much of your opinions and anger regarding your dad comes from what your mom says about him? Try to view his whole life from his point of view, and see if you think he is selfish or maybe something else?

Also, having your hand slammed in the door by your parent is much worse than anything your dad has done. While you question if your Fathers concern is genuine, physically harming a child (even at age 25!) is something you should be more concerned about.

..continued in the next reply..

[DirtySanchez]

Originally Posted by BeastBeach

Come on it isn't as simple as me just deciding to be a dick.

I don't think you're a dick. I was pretty much the same at age 25, if your the type to get pissed off it is easy to get sick of dealing with a parents flaws by that age.

His pattern of behavior led me to believe he was so selfish that he didn't care whether I wanted to talk or not.
...
when I try to get off the phone he ignores that.
....
I felt it was something he made up on the spot once he realized I was mad.
...
As far as me breaking off the convo...like I said before. I resent the idea that whenever he wants to talk I must respond to his barrage of texts one day, yet for a week I will hear nothing from him.

Would you really want to hear from him every day? From the sound of it, once a week is too often. Maybe he's trying to give you space? Or he works during the week? Or he is used to only communicating with you on the weekends?

I don't like to go out to eat with him is because literally everywhere we go he has to complain about how clean the restaurant is lol. He always leaves a bad tip. Then one day he had the gall to lecture me on the importance of tipping. When I called him on it it was as if he had no idea what I was talking about.

What's his idea of a good tip/bad tip? This can vary among different generations.

He talks about what he wants to talk about, and then will ask how things are in my life, and then he will zone out. I've been out with him numerous times where he was left the table and gone to talk to other people he knows for 15 minutes. He even went off to talk to some woman who sells candles about how to start doing that himself.

It just sounds like he's got social problems, and I think you are mistaking that for being willfully inconsiderate when he might not understand what he is doing.

Yet when he wants to talk to me, I must be there or he will show up at my house and knock on windows?

You are jumping to a conclusion based on your earlier presumption that he only showed up at your house unannounced because he wanted to talk to you.

His behavior is extremely inconsistent, that is why I reacted the way I did.

His behavior seems very consistent. He bothers with you about once a week, when he does spend time with you he REALLY wants to spend time with you and he seems unable to pick up on social queues and has trouble reading people. Does that sound correct?

Also you seem pretty consistent in the story. You put up with behavior you wish your Father didn't exhibit. You never say anything to him, because you have trouble expressing it without becoming angry. You think you are doing the right thing, because you are protecting his feelings. The problem is that it builds up to a point where you finally lose your temper and you really go off.

..continued in the next reply..

[DirtySanchez]

Originally Posted by BeastBeach

The bottom line is that he does a lot of stuff that annoys me and I don't know what the proper way of handling it is. Obviously, what I did was not the best way. But I feel like if I told him every time he did something that I thought was rude or disrespectful, that would be an all day task. And he would end up thinking I hate him. The truth is, we are pretty different people. And he is a very immature person.

Don't put it all on him. Assume here that you are a bit immature too, and that you're both flawed a bit. Here is what I would do:

1. Accept that you can not change his behavior.
2. Accept that you will have to deal with his flaws if you want him in your life.
3. Take the responsibility to change how you deal with him, and think about him in order to improve the relationship from your end. You can not change him, but you can change yourself.

Some suggestions:

1. Block out some time where you will see him, or spend time with him. Do so where you find him the most tolerable. (ie, not restaurants or during football games.

2. Think before you react to him. Make a point not to get angry.

3. To avoid dealing with him on terms you don't want, come up with reasonable excuses mixed with bluntness. If your fiancee will allow, use her as the scapegoat. For example:

We didn't invite you to the birthday party because my fiancee thought it was inappropriate you tried to pick up her mother and I agreed with her.

We both really wish you wouldn't encourage the kids to engage in behavior we don't approve of.

I can't text right now, I have to do x for fiancee/work/whatever.

4. Address very inappropriate behavior immediatly, and in a stoic manner. Calmly say "Don't hit on my future mother in-law dad. It's inappropriate." Throw a joke in if it will help. "Don't hit on my future mother in-law dad. It's inappropriate. This is a kids birthday party, not a singles bar Romeo. If you want I'll get you a match.com account. Or cougarlife.com whatever!"

4. Always work with the assumption that he loves you, and is not trying to harm you. He may hurt you, but odds are he doesn't mean to.

Also, personally I play a game with these types of people where I like to see how long they can talk without me saying anything, or just saying "yeah", "Uh Huh". I'm not sure if I'd do that in your situation since it's your dad, but it's a pretty good coping mechanism, and better than telling people to shut the fuck up.

To add a little more background, he has often acted hurt that I don't invite him when my fiancee's kids have a birthday party or something. The reason I don't is because one of the first times I invited him he was flirting and hitting on my fiancee's mother. The fact that I even have to tell him that this is inappropriate and is the reason I don't feel comfortable having him around says a lot.

He sounds lonely, and again, it all goes back to the same problem. He's bad at socializing. He doesn't always understand inappropriate and appropriate, nor can he pick up on social queues all that well. Don't assume that he's simply being malicious or selfish when he's likely just a victim of typical character flaws.

Between the story with the candle woman and this lady, it sounds like he's lonely and desperately wants some female companionship.

He may behave incorrectly, but surely you can sympathize with his feelings? Ever really want a girlfriend? Imagine what it's like if you're old, alone and your ex-wife and one of your sons won't talk to you.

Originally Posted by BeastBeach

I am having a little difficulty understanding why I must always be there for him to annoy the hell out of me

You are pretty focused on yourself in this relationship. Does that make you selfish? Seriously, try to look at things from his point of view as him (ie, with the social flaws) and try to understand how he sees things.

yet when I try to talk about serious things with him he can't even focus for a few minutes. I mean there have been huge personal issues in my life I wasn't even comfortable telling him because I was not sure he would take them seriously or not try to turn it into an excuse to make himself the center of attention. I have told him things in confidence before and he has brought them up in the middle of a family dinner. It is ridiculous

Again, it's just personality flaws. Your thinking he's doing that to hurt you, but from the outside looking in it fits his character. The key to this is, does he treat everyone the same? Does he have trouble talking to your mother, and anyone else in his life about anything but himself? Does he always make himself the center of attention? If so it's not in any attempt to hurt you, it's just who he is. You need to get out of your head that he's trying to hurt you, or is disregarding your feelings.

Originally Posted by BeastBeach

As for rather watch football than spend time with him, that is not really the case. I am literally available any other time and he knows it.

I'm the same way. I literally told my wife before we got married that all I asked for was to be left the fuck alone when the Jets play. She's pretty good about that.

Of course, not everyone is that understanding.

I'm going to give it a little time and think on it more before I reach out to him. If I do it any time soon it will not go well. I asked my mom for advice but she is biased against him so that was not much help. My brother and he do not get along and his advice is worthless as well. I don't really have anybody in my family that I can go to for good advice

You do see that your Father has alienated both your Brother and your Mother. I am assuming his behavior is consistent, and as I mentioned earlier, that should rule out him "not caring" about you or being some kind of mega-selfish monster. He simply doesn't know better and likely never will. Part of his obsessing over you may be that you're the only one he has left.

It is up to you to decide if you want to try to manage the relationship and deal with him or not. I think you should, it will help you grow as a man and in general it's the right thing to do.

Sorry this was so long, I probably should have written cliffs. Like a lot of people here, I'd hate to see someone throw away a relationship with one of their parents. That becomes difficult to live with later in life.

[Section 336]

Fuck Him, he sounds bat shit crazy.

I haven't spoke to my father in 14 years and am so much better off for it.

[BeastBeach]

@DirtySanchez...Thanks a million for your post. Reading through it and thinking about it more has helped me understand the situation better and has given me a lot to think about.

I will respond in detail when I have more time.

Planning on texting him or calling him later to let him know I really care about him and want to talk soon after I cool off a little more.

[alleycat9]

it sounds like your dad is lonely and is hoping that you being his son will be someone he can hang out with and be friends with.

i know its a bit creeper that he came to your house but you have to set limits with him and even though i understand at 25 he is nothing but a pain in the ass you should relish that he actually wants to spend time with you as there are ALOT of kids who can only wish they were able to spend time with their dads.

[roboz08]

Your dad just wants to spend time with you man. Cherish that, because a few of my friends lost their fathers when they were in elementary school. I'm 22, just finished up college, and i can honestly say some of the best moments of this last semester where being able to enjoy having my father come up to my school on a couple of sundays to watch the jets and drink beer with my friends and I, as if he was part of my crew. Put yourself in his shoes. I'm able to understand that since my sister and I moved out and went off to college that its just my dad and my mom alone in the house we grew up in. I believe this is a sort of phenomena that psychologists refer to as "empty nest" syndrome.

Don't lash out at him man, it may be difficult to deal with parents who are a bit socially clueless and out of touch with 20-something yearolds, but you have to understand where they are coming from. Just think, 20 years from now, your gonna be in the same position that he is.

[catfish]

Originally Posted by BeastBeach

@DirtySanchez...Thanks a million for your post. Reading through it and thinking about it more has helped me understand the situation better and has given me a lot to think about.

I will respond in detail when I have more time.

Planning on texting him or calling him later to let him know I really care about him and want to talk soon after I cool off a little more.

I think overall Dirty's advice is good, but I wouldn't use my fiancee as an excuse to get out of anything. It will poison him against her and if you want them both in your life will lead to much bigger drama down the road. My dad and I didn't get along great till I hit about 27-28 years old. At that point I was old enough that he didn't figure I needed watching over as I had a good job etc. and I was old enough to realize that at times I had been a selfish prick about certain things.

Your dad got lonely around the holidays, happens to a lot of people who are alone close to Christmas, it's annoying, but it's life. You owe him an apology IMO. Good luck patching it up

[Jets31]

Originally Posted by alleycat9

it sounds like your dad is lonely and is hoping that you being his son will be someone he can hang out with and be friends with.

i know its a bit creeper that he came to your house but you have to set limits with him and even though i understand at 25 he is nothing but a pain in the ass you should relish that he actually wants to spend time with you as there are ALOT of kids who can only wish they were able to spend time with their dads.

Agree completely.

I wish my dad was still alive to be able to have the opportunity to spend time with.

[DirtySanchez]

Originally Posted by BeastBeach

@DirtySanchez...Thanks a million for your post. Reading through it and thinking about it more has helped me understand the situation better and has given me a lot to think about.

I will respond in detail when I have more time.

Planning on texting him or calling him later to let him know I really care about him and want to talk soon after I cool off a little more.

Glad to hear it, and good luck.

[VanderbiltJets]

Originally Posted by roboz08

Your dad just wants to spend time with you man. Cherish that, because a few of my friends lost their fathers when they were in elementary school. I'm 22, just finished up college, and i can honestly say some of the best moments of this last semester where being able to enjoy having my father come up to my school on a couple of sundays to watch the jets and drink beer with my friends and I, as if he was part of my crew. Put yourself in his shoes. I'm able to understand that since my sister and I moved out and went off to college that its just my dad and my mom alone in the house we grew up in. I believe this is a sort of phenomena that psychologists refer to as "empty nest" syndrome.

Don't lash out at him man, it may be difficult to deal with parents who are a bit socially clueless and out of touch with 20-something yearolds, but you have to understand where they are coming from. Just think, 20 years from now, your gonna be in the same position that he is.

At the same time it's unreasonable/unempathetic to not contact someone regularly and then expect that person to (almost) immediately respond when he decides to resume communication. All interpersonal relationships are a two-way street // seems like he's a control freak.

Plus what D.S. alluded to, that accepting blame and realizing that you're both in the wrong is essential for you to break tension.

[Scruggy]

Go hug your father.

Have a beer, have a burger, have a gut-busting laugh

Thank your father for caring, and enjoy your time together

When your father shares his successes, celebrate them with him

Then, thank God you are not a fatherless son.

[deathstar]

Hopefully today's pathetic Dolphins game didn't cause any blow ups.

[Barcs]

Some people are dicks in life. Some of them have kids. Being a father doesn't make you any less a dick IMO, and many folks on here are talking like it's that simple, just because he's your father. Respect is a 2 way street. I still think you should have a deep talk with him about it. I see where you're coming from. It's difficult when parents don't realize they don't need to be so over protective when their kid is 25. It can be a strange transition for both of you. Honestly it sounds like your Dad has ADHD or something similar. That's usually the case when people do the non stop texting / calling when you don't pick up, or when you tell them things in confidence that they have to blab to the whole world. They need attention and want all eyes on them. That's the type of personality they have. You need to support your dad, but again if he continues to let his emotional security get in the way of having a healthy adult relationship with his son, then its not really your fault. It sounds like he's done a lot of disrespectful things to you, but his intentions do not seem bad. It's more misinterpreted by you, at least I think. Maybe he just needs medication to stay calm. It sounds like textbook ADD to me. I think you should respectfully explain to him that you care about him and feel he may be suffering from an illness and to see a doctor.

[ThunderbirdJet]

I can't even fathom this entire issue. My old man beat me, berated me, and maybe on some level, he loved me, but it felt like he hated me, and I surely hated him.

I can't even imagine having a father who was smothering. However, it sure sounds like your father is smothering you, and it's no surprise that it has gotten to you.

But, let me ask.... would you rather have the father I had or the one you have? Deal with it. The guy obviously loves you, just a little too much. Far better than the other extreme, trust me on that count.